Today’s Post is by our very own Caroline, or as some of you know her “Carobanano”. She definitely hit on a universal humbug this week.
Dude. I’m really tired of diabetes.
Allow me to note that this is pretty much the worst time of year to get diabetes burnout. Two words: Christmas cookies.
It happens to everyone. Or at least, I can’t imagine how it wouldn’t happen to everyone, given the 24/7/365 nature of this beast. We go through d-fatigue with varying degrees of severity…and even though I’m not in flat-out denial, in the past few weeks it has hit me with a wallop. I feel more burned out than Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds’s marriage (and to add insult to injury…I will never be as hot as Scarlett).
As gooshy and grateful as my last post was, I think it started then. I kept looking at my family members drinking wine or loading up on leftovers with zero stress. And I kept thinking to myself with a pang, “Wow, I wish I could do that.” Just sit down and eat something without pricking my finger, without counting carbs, without guessing and worrying and feeling sick because I got it wrong.
This is dangerous thought pattern to have. It’s easy to cross the line from there into wah-wah-woe-is-me self-pity. More importantly, dwelling on that is completely futile. I CAN’T eat without stressing about it, at least a little. I likely never will. (Unless Type 1 is cured in my lifetime, a prospect for which I take the heartbreakingly practical viewpoint of, “That would be great!…but I’m not betting on it.”) Ditching diabetes is not my reality, so let’s move on.
But it gets under my skin anyways. I’ve been testing less than I probably should. I’m not completely abandoning my meter for days at a time, but I definitely have been opting to swan-dive directly into bed at night instead of checking my blood sugar, or setting my alarm for a 3 AM test if I had a questionable dinner. I haven’t been carb-counting and portion-measuring so much as……looking at my food, throwing some insulin at myself (usually while I’m eating, instead of 15 minutes before like a smart girl), and hoping that it’s enough. I’ve lost the energy to check and double-check my numbers. When I think about stepping up my diabetes game– basal rate adjusting, more frequent BG checks, treating lows only with 15g of glucose tablets instead of the entire contents of my refrigerator– I feel so….tired. Do I really have what it takes to bust my butt and take my A1C from 7.3 to 6.0? It really doesn’t feel like it. I only have the motivation to do the minimum right now.
Of course, what is contributing to the exhaustion and burnout is the fact that in the past two weeks, I’ve had lows all over the place. It’s frustrating in and of itself, but especially mind-blowing given that I have slid into the “pull a number out of thin air and hope it’s enough” method of carb counting and have almost completely given up on exercise since hurting my knee a month ago. (Here’s a question for you: how is it that I train for months and run a marathon injury-free, and then two weeks later doing freaking ZUMBA at World Diabetes Day manage to kill my knee?!) (Here’s another question: why is it that, exactly when I need it most, the YMCA pool closes for six weeks for renovations?)
These lows have an increasingly moody bent, as well. Usually I just have to deal with the shaking hands, the lightheadedness, and the clouded concentration. But lately, low blood glucose has been flipping switches in my brain that pull me, unbidden, into an emotional black hole. I am miserable. I feel like I am going to die. This weekend, I was on the subway as I had another low, swallowed my Skittles and felt my face drooping into a frown. Instantly, all I could think was, the world is such a cruel place. Even though I was on my way to a holiday party! Where gallons of mulled wine and Christmas cheer awaited me!
I just feel like diabetes is a load of BS lately. I’d like to think I can handle it gracefully most of the time, but right now….I’m so fed up with it. As futile as the desire is, I just want a break. For as many gifts and friendships that diabetes has given me, I just want it to cut me some slack. One day—two would be SUPER—where I can roll with the punches, have plenty of energy, go for a run, eat some Christmas cookies, enjoy this time of year, and not feel like a despondent wreck because of brain chemistry gone haywire.
Christmas is coming. Maybe Santa will leave some new beta cells under my tree.
I hope Santa brings some cooperative, several cooperative, bg days for you. I know how frustrating lows can be, particularly when they keep coming, and I’m not experiencing them myself, so certainly managing them while experiencing them only compounds the frustration.
When things start to go a little out of whack with Caleb, I find putting pen to paper and mapping things out a little can provide clarity. But if you’re not up to that and you really just need to think less about it for a little while, I would say intentionally reduce some of the tasks without eliminating them. Don’t be quite so diligent for a few days, or maybe a week, and maybe be a little less aggressive with your bolus’ (although it sounds like you may already be doing that only to experience lows).
I’m not sure what the right things would be to lessen for a little while that would result in a little looser control without letting things go completely out of whack – that’s a slippery slope unfortunately. But if you have a gut feel for what those might be, give yourself permission to do them without worrying about it.
It really would be so much easier, if we could put it on a shelf for a while – even just a single day would be like a refreshing nap. I wish I had a good answer. I’m counting on Santa to come through for you, ’cause I’m afraid what I have to offer is falling short.
Thank you for your post. What I especially appreciated is the discussion of the mental exhaustion that comes with Type 1 after a certain amount of time….it’s been 33 years for me, and boy would it be nice to not have to think about my blood sugar for a whole day…..