An Adult Diabetic’s Mixed Thoughts: A Yellow Note Pad, Sangrias and Mexican by Venus

It is strange sometimes looking back to the time I was diagnosed with diabetes.
I remember it was the year I started kindergarten. I was 5years old, running around playing and having to use the bathroom every 10minutes. While my mother was concerned with whether I caught an infection or not, I was more concerned with my play and learning time being interrupted so frequently.
More recently present than those thoughts, are the ones when I was on NPH and Regular (I am young but thinking about those insulins make me feel old).
A few weeks ago I was cleaning out a closet at home, when I found a yellow note pad with my mother’s handwriting.
The note pad was dated 1993. It had my glucose readings along with how much insulin I was given for what foods I ate and at what time.
I was very amused. Not just because I obviously ate more healthy as a supervised child, but because my glucose readings were more or less the same everyday. No roller coasters. Quite consistent patterns.
I remember getting annoyed when snack time came and I would be escorted out of the class to eat my “mid morning” snack.
And I remember my mother crying sometimes, mixing N and R wishing she was injecting herself instead of her daughter at bedtime. I kind of understood the basic idea that “mommy is sad” but I didn’t see what the big deal was at 5years old or even 8years old. The big deal for me was drinking diet soda when other kids were drinking juices and having to eat when I wasn’t hungry because NPH said so.

Fast forward 17 years later to this past Saturday filled with Mexican food, sangrias and margaritas with Kiran and Katie’s sister and fellow diabetics, including Coral, Katie and Sean.
The concerns this past Saturday were not the same of a 5yr old girl.
“How many carbs do you think this has?” “What about this and what about that?”
We were all playing guessing games with our food and drinks. Yeah we had a bit of an idea… but really we weren’t too sure. (Some reading this blog today may snarl at us for our loaded carb dinner, but we are not just diabetics we are human, and we deserve this sometimes.)

So what were the mixed thoughts as I stirred my mixed drink of frozen margarita in sangria (Yes margarita IN sangria,which was estimated by the present diabetic food panel to be about 30-40carbs)? It was comparing the then and the now.
As an adult, playground politics are over. How to hide your pump under your prom dress is no longer a thought and the hope that your levels don’t drop in the middle of your H.S. graduation is gone.
But the pain in the ass carb counting, insulin taking and “we interrupt your daily life to bring to you this brief diabetic message” isn’t over.
Really the circumstances haven’t changed. So instead of your prom dress you worry about your interview or work attire, where to place your pump or how to inject. Instead of hoping you don’t drop low during graduation, you hope you don’t drop low during sex, your breakup, your wedding or during a presentation at work. You have thoughts about your eye sight and neuropathy. You have the fears of getting a small cut on your feet and it becoming a huge infection. You are afraid of dropping low on a NYC subway and not having sugar on hand.
Then you have the gender specific concerns of a female “When do I get pregnant?” or a male worried about erectile dysfunction.
Let’s go one simpler which I confess was a funny thing…3diabetics testing themselves throughout the evening to see how an alcoholic beverage raised or lower their glucose levels and shouting across the table at each other what the evil margarita did or didn’t do to them.

This isn’t to say that a diabetic teen or child doesn’t have concerns or fears about their feet and eyes, because we all know those fears exist for a 12 and 17year old. I know I always had them. I have always been aware of the issues and possible complications surrounding my diabetes.
But as an adult these things come more to light and more so mommy isn’t there to stop you from eating that cupcake and sure as hell doesn’t have the juice next to the bed during your intimate moments.
The truth is that whether you got it at 5yrs old, 28 or 60, the fears are always there. The concerns are always there. They may be different depending how long you have had diabetes and they may differ throughout the phases in your life, but they are there.

Just as these thoughts came into my head, the manager of the Mexican restaurant placed a flan on the table (on the house). We mentioned in a joking way we were diabetics and he said “So am I. I take Lantus and Novolog.”
We all grabbed a spoon and 6 people divided this palm size treat.
Good food, excellent drinks and most of all great friends…quite a mix.

Cheers to you Diabetes and good and bad mixing you bring to my life!