Today’s guest blogger, Lesley Hoffman, is a member of ACT1′s support groups and has been coping with Diabetes for 15 years. She is the Principal of an afternoon Hebrew School, loves being around fellow Diabetics and hates almost all sugar-free foods.
I have so many different things floating around in my head at any particular time. I ask questions and answer them myself. I play out scenarios where I emerge as the intelligent and brave hero. I make up speeches to deliver to people where I make every point I intended to make and they retreat and tell me I’m right and they’re wrong (these speeches are usually composed in the shower). I have even been told that I have a constant mix tape playing in my head and every once in awhile, for no reason whatsoever, I’ll belt out a random song just because that is the song that is playing on my “mix tape” at that time. But the question that remains unanswered and that I constantly and probably obsessively think about is: to pump or not to pump?
I think about the negatives first. I hate being attached to something. I hate the skin infections and changing my set and shlepping around all of those supplies when I travel and having to worry about it at the beach or on a boat or when I’m wearing a low cut shirt or dress. I hate having the kids that I work with ask me what it is and having to explain diabetes at such a simplistic level that it seems breezy and unimportant. And I hate, hate when people see my pump and their follow up question is “oh, do you have bad diabetes?” Yes, as if there is good diabetes or even medium diabetes. And, as if I have a choice.
The question of whether or not to go back on the pump is usually at the forefront of my mind during my awful morning high blood sugars. I wake up thirsty and having to go to the bathroom for the fifth time that night and I am desperate to check my blood sugar and give myself insulin. It’s almost always over 250 and I am always upset and disappointed, mostly in myself. Will going on a pump help that? Sure, I tell myself, if I use it correctly and really work at it. It’s also on my mind if I wake up with a low blood sugar during the night which I, thank God, always catch. Will going on a pump, adjusting my basal rate and constantly readjusting help that? Sure, of course, that’s what the pump is made for. But then I remember I was on the pump for around 13 years already and it didn’t always help.
So then I start to think about the positives of being on a pump which usually coincide with and contradict the negatives. I work with kids and they ask hundreds of questions. Wearing a physical manifestation of my diabetes and having them ask questions allows them to learn about it and become comfortable with it. Is also allows me to teach about something I am so passionate about. It gives me a more solid grasp on my blood sugars and ultimately, I think and hope, it will allow me more freedom and more security. And as I think about the positives of going back on a pump, I inevitably ask even more questions, bigger picture questions, about being able to have children, living a long life and being alive to see my own grandchildren born. I think and hope and feel confident that the pump will allow me these opportunities.
Around the Jewish New Year, Rosh Hashanah, my best friends and I make New Year’s resolutions. sometimes they are silly and sometimes they are serious (which is really the essence of our relationship.) We share them with each other and are supportive of them even if they seem like the most ridiculous thing in the world – we promise to lose weight and eat healthier, we strive to take our jobs less seriously and enjoy ourselves and we promise to continue to see each other as much as we possibly can despite our hectic schedules. I think that for this year, I’ll really work at my diabetes. Not just work at it like I always say, but really dedicate myself to improving my blood sugars, perfecting my Insulin to carb ratio, exercising regularly and being a bit more positive about something I have always felt so negative about. I will hold myself accountable and try my hardest. And I’ll take it one finger stick, one set change and one day at a time…
One day at a time is the best advice you could give yourself. We all know that diabetes management is a difficult and sometimes daunting task so that's how we need to handle it without getting burned out quickly.
If you asked me 3 years ago, my vote would've been not to pump but since being on one myself I see how it gives you more control. Will your bg be perfect? Maybe not – I know mine are far from perfect – but I can't imagine tweaking the things I do on MDIs. I'd say to remember that you're not stuck to pumping forever but you already know that. And thank you for guest blogging for us … nice to have you here 
My vote is to pump
I started pumping about a month ago and still ask this question. The site annoys me and leaves bumps. Having to explain to someone you get romantic with is a whole other story. But my bs's have been much better. So I keep trying. I did decide not to wear it one day and it was the first time in the month I went over 250. So I haven't done that again yet.
You are the most important person in our lives.Daddy and I are continuously awed by the strength and grace with which you have adjusted to your diabetes. When you struggle with your levels it breaks my heart. I know how frustrating it has been dealing with morning highs and I know how you are tired of not feeling well. Whatever decision you make will be the right one. When you were first diagnosed and the nurse said that when you encounter a problem it was imperative to problem solve we laughed. We thought that it was such a foolish thing to say. But, over the tears her advice has made sense. When something isn't working you examine the problem, list the choices, make a choice and live with it. If it doesn't work you go throught the process again. Please be well and I will talk to you this afternoon. Love, Mommy
I am so embarrassed that my mom just wrote that. I just told her that I probably have Diabetes because she is crazy
Also, she is so horrible on the computer and I'm POSITIVE that her paragraph took at least 2 hours to type!!
Lesley, I think your mom's comment was awesome! ^_^ I kinda teared up for you (probably partly because it's that time of the month, but also because it's cool to see how proud she is.)
Personally, I agree with everything Stacey said. After 30-something years of MDI (starting when I was 2), I finally switched to the pump and I never regretted it. I know you're a lot more aware of the pros and cons than I was when I made that decision, since you've been there already, but you probably remember that most of the time you completely forget you have something attached to your body (and the blah feeling of skin irritation is a lot better than the blah feeling of sugars over 250, IMO.)
You might want to consider a tubeless pump, since it's even less obtrusive…I'm on the OmniPod, and I love it. The Solo's coming out in a few months, and that'll give another tubeless option…What you can tell yourself, and it's something I told myself when I decided to switch over, was that you can always switch back if you realize it was a mistake. Just giving yourself an out makes it a much easier decision.
Whatever you choose, good luck, Lesley! If you do go on the pump, I hope you'll write another guest post to tell everybody how it's going.
Thanks for your fabulous post, Lesley! I spend a lot of time thinking about whether to switch over to the pump and it is always helpful to hear other people's thought processes – I think this ended up giving me another point in the 'pump' side. And I love when moms comments!! That was very sweet to read
Lesley I want to first, commend you on your awesome blog. Second to tell you I admire your bravery. I know you are not new to pumping. Considering you went off the pump because you didn't like it very much, it's very admirable that you are reconsidering it.
Your mom's comment is made even sweeter if it took her forever to do it
Enter text right here!
Lesley, don't be embarrassed. My mom commented on my first blog (and second blog postings). The first one she put "mama" instead of her name. So I let her know that her comments go to everyone, not just me
and if she was going to post anymore, she had to put her real name so she did that on the second one. BUT at the end of the day, family will always be there so moms can get away with whatever they want.
Let me know if you take the plunge to go back on the pump… I am seriously considering it myself… we can do it together! See you at the next meeting.
[...] I PUMPED! Posted by admin on Sep 25th, 2009 | 358no commentshttp://www.act1diabetes.org/2009/09/25/i-pumped/I+PUMPED%212009-09-25+12%3A10%3A12admin Hello there! If you are new here, you might want to subscribe to the RSS feed for updates on this topic.Powered by WP Greet BoxToday’s guest blogger, Lesley Hoffman, is a member of ACT1’s support groups and has been coping with Diabetes for 15 years. She is the Principal of an afternoon Hebrew School, loves being around fellow Diabetics and hates almost all sugar-free foods. Read her previous post “To Pump or Not to Pump” here. [...]